Chapter 4.

Cooks

and

Cauldrons.

    For a minute or two Alix stood looking at the college and wondering what to do next, when suddenly Alix saw a man in black (which only later Alix realized was the same 'White Rabbit' figure he saw in the museum: if he had recognized him right away he would have rushed to question him.)  The White Rabbit came marching to the door of one of the small buildings and rapped loudly and impatiently at the door with his fist.  It was opened by a tall kindly old gentleman with a blond goatee; in fact, he reminded Alix of the Uncle Sam figure we see in all those war posters, although he looked rather tired or somewhat sickly. Alix felt very curious to know what it was all about and crept a little closer to listen.

   The White Rabbit began by producing from his arm a great letter, marked with a large U.S. on it, and this he handed over to the other, saying in a solemn, yet harsh tone. "For you, Uncle Sam: a summons from the White King to play Crook-ed."  Then the White Rabbit, looking intently at his pocket watch, abruptly left: he always seemed to be in a hurry.

    Then Alix approached the kindly ole man and said, "Alix, the man, I am.  And Are you really Uncle Sam?"

    "Yes, my dear young son, Uncle Sam, I am."

    "Well, you scare me; aren't you always calling people out to war?"

    "Well, that's one of my duties, the one I'm most famous for, but, dear me, I'm not such a one-sided character as that; I have many good traits."

    "I dare say.  I know many of them..."

    "But don't go on. I'm a humble man."

    "And how old are you?"

    "Why I am over two hundred and thirty years of age.  I look good for my age, huh?"

    "You certainly do.  How do you do it?"

    "Well, I have a good constitution; I do, ho, ho."

    "Oh, good one."

    "Ya, I always wait just for the right time to say that one."

    "But you do seem a little peek-ed now."

    "Yes, I do feel a little weak, but my cooks have just concocted a green stew to help me unclog my arteries and liberate my system from all binding impediments; they say it even includes ingredients from the Liberty Tree, yes our very own Liberty Tree: well, therefore, no doubt, it must be good. And here comes some of that energetic stew right now!"

    Suddenly, a most extraordinary noise exploded from within the house--a constant howling and heaving, and every now and then a great crash, as if a wall or a floor had been broken to pieces.  Suddenly some green gooey material came flying out, straight at Uncle Sam's head; it just grazed his nose, and hit one of the trees behind him becoming attached to it.  Alix thought that this must be that very same green stew Uncle Sam was being fed: it certainly seemed to pack a mighty punch.

     "Oh, but where are my manners," finally said Uncle Sam to Alix, "Come in and have a cup of tea or something.  Feel free to feel at home here."

     "If all were like you, I would certainly feel at home."

     He didn't say a word but just kindly gestured me in with a fatherly smile.

    The door led right into a large kitchen, which was full of smoke from one end to the other: when Alix could properly see again he saw that Uncle Sam was sitting on a three-legged stool in the middle, holding a baby; several other babies were playing somewhat contently in a large crib.  Many other men that were apparently his cooks--Uncle Sam seemed to have an overabundance of them--were leaning over a fire stirring a large cauldron, which seemed to be full of that green gloop.  On one of the men's hat was a tag marked 'The head head cook.'  "Huh," thought a perplexed Alix, "perhaps he is the chief head cook or...or...I hope he's not actually cooking someone's head in there," thought Alix," and if so, who's head could it be; could it be the 'head head' or in other words the Chief's head...oh my..."

  Then the cooks formed a circle around the large cauldron and started a chant under their breath so nobody could hear them but Alix seemed to have super-natural hearing and this is what he heard:

'Red-gloop to rule them all,

Red-gloop to blind them,

Red-gloop to bring them all

And in the darkness bind them,

In the One-World where the shadows lie.'

      Alix thought it strange that they were chanting about red-gloop when the gloop right in front of them was clearly green in color.  However, every now and then this green gloop would shine with an ominous red glow.  Alix thought that there was something very fishy here and altogether he didn't quite trust this gloop and the cooks that made it and thought that this concoction was doing Uncle Sam more bad than good and was binding and clogging up his constitution as the chant suggested.

   Well, Alix saw that they continued this for a while always repeating the same refrain.  Then Alix noticed that the cauldron seemed to be even more full of that green gloop and that was now over-flowing its bounds and going this way and that, and it even eventually took on a life of it own and started flying here and there and out to windows to who know where.

     There was certainly too much of it in the air.  Even Uncle Sam's eyes were watering; and as for the baby it was wheezing and howling alternately, without a moment's pause. Many of the babies in the crib, affected by their brother, seemed all on the verge of exploding into wails also. The only ones not affected by that stew were the cooks. 

    Then Alix noticed a cat sitting on the hearth grinning from ear to ear. However, every now and then it would cough up a gloopy green fur ball and then continue on grinning.  However, these fur balls seemed to have a life of their own--apparently being mostly made up of this green gloop stuff--and seemed to be creating a type of restraining cobweb around the cat, but the swishing of the cat's tail, together with some paw swinging and some teeth biting kept the cat more and less free from this encroaching menace.   

    "Please, would you tell me," Alix asked, "why your cat grins like that."

    "What cat?"

    "Why, the one on the hearth."

    "Oh, that's not a cat. That's my constitution."

    "Oh, I thought one's constitution was kept quite close to one's person."

    "I can tell you, me and my constitution are quite close."

    "Why does it always cough up those fur balls?"

    "Oh, it doesn't seem to be all that keen on this 'health' food," said Uncle Sam with a slight disapproving slur as if already unconsciously finding this green healthy stew not really that healthful, "but I think this 'health' food may eventually have the better of my constitution.  But it is a very obstinate constitution. Every house in these woods has one, but I think I have the very best around. Why, it is always running around the place making sure everyone minds his own..."

    But at that time the cooks took the cauldron off the fire and at once the gloop exploded all over the place adhering to anything it touched and then in a few moments those very gloop-clad objects would start flying about on their own and at Uncle Sam, the babies and the cat -- the fire irons came first; then followed a shower of saucepan, plates and dishes. The constitution tried to get up and make the cooks mind their own business, but the constitution was constrained by those nasty fur balls.  Uncle Sam seemed to take no notice of all this, even when something hit him (although I believe that he was in some sort of shock, not quite believing that his cooks would go so far as to actually try to injure his own person); and the baby was howling so much already that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt or not (although it seemed to be not quite sure from what direction the objects were coming from and kept turning its head this way and that.)

   Alix noticed that this gloop had both destructive and constructive aspects to it: it would destroy and smash most things it hit and then it would reconstruct these damaged parts into some new distorted counterpart of the original.

    "Oh, please mind what you are doing!" cried Alix, jumping up and down in an agony of terror. "Oh, there goes his precious nose!" as an unusually large object flew close by it, and very nearly carried it off."

    "If everybody minded each other's business," said Uncle Sam in a hoarse growl, "the world would go round a deal much slower."

    "That's almost seems possible," said Alice, "just think what work it would make of day and night: if the earth went slower it..."

    "Enough with silly theories," yelled the apparently frustrated and confused Uncle Sam.  "Why, everything was nice here until you came with your silly theories and upset everything.  It's your entire fault."

    Alix still mulling over his theories, finished his sentence, "...then it would fall off its axis...and that would certainly be an axis of terror."

    "Talking of axes," said Uncle Sam, "chop off his head! That will certainly do away with the source of these silly theories, ho, ho."

    Alix glanced rather anxiously at the cooks to see if they meant to take the hint; but they were still busy stirring up their foul concoction and seemed not to be listening. "I am lucky this time," Alix thought, "but I am not afraid of him or any other of these foul cooks.  And Uncle Sam, he seems rather a changeable character: I bet his occasional bad disposition comes from the atmosphere created here by the cooks and some of his unruly children and by his constitution being in some disorder; in addition he seems to suffering from a head cold which makes his face a little bushy and his nether parts a little stiff and a little woody."

     And speaking of his children, Uncle Sam now turned his attention to his wailing child and apparently to quiet it down, he sang the child a lullaby, giving it a firm shake at the end of every line.

"Speak with strength to your little children,

And make them cry as them, you scare;

We only do it as nice men,

Because they know we care."

(in which the cooks and the child joined)

"Pow! Pow! Pow!"

   "Here! You may nurse it a bit if you like!" said Uncle Sam to Alix, flinging the baby at him as he spoke. "I must go and get ready to play Crook-ed with the King," and he hurried out of the house. A gloop covered brick flew after him as he went, but it just missed him.

     Alix caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer-shaped little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all directions, "just like a sheriff's badge," thought Alix.  The poor little thing was wailing like a police car when he caught it, and kept curling up and straightening itself out again, so that altogether it was as much as he could do to hold it.  As soon as he had made out the proper way of holding it (which was to hold it real tight to prevent itself from snaking all over the place) he carried it out into the bright sunshine and open wintry air, but it didn't like it there. 

    "If I don't teach this child some manners, "thought Alix, "they're sure to spoil it some day; wouldn't it be a shame to leave it in the state it's in? What if it even became a policeman when it grew up?  I know a lot of good and honest ones, but it would be such a bother to be 'policed' by such a one."

    He said the last words out loud, and the little thing grunted in reply. "Don't grunt," said Alix, "that's not at all a proper way of expressing yourself."   Alix looked very closely into its face and there could be no doubt that it had a very turned up nose, much more like a snout than a real nose. "If you are going to turn into a pig, my dear," said Alix seriously, "I'll have nothing more to do with you. Mind now!" In a little while there was no mistake about it: it was exactly like a pig and he felt that it would be quite absurd for him to carry it any further.   So he let the large creature down and felt quite perturbed to see it trot away quietly into the dark wood where Alix heard a lot more squealing and wailing and grunting as if it just joined a brotherhood of similar creatures there and if he squinted his eyes really hard he could just make out a wild porcine party taking place in a mire in the dark woods.  

     "With their spoiled and untrained characters, they're sure to come back home one day and cause Uncle Sam a lot of trouble.  Oh, if one only knew the right way to change them."

    Then he was a little startled to see the Constitution precariously sitting at the very edge of a limb of a tree; it was eating a few small dry twigs from that same tree.

    The Constitution only grinned when it saw Alix. It looked good-natured, he thought, and seemed in much better fetter out here in the open air; it had ten very long claws and a great many teeth (though some if its claws now seemed frayed and some teeth seemed jagged and loose) so he felt it ought to be treated with great respect.

    Then it noticed Alix and putting on it gloves, it stood up, tipped his hat, and greeted Alix with such a friendly demure disposition that Alix couldn't but help but start liking it very much.

  "Constitution," he began, rather timidly, as he wasn't sure whether this was its name or its title, however it only grinned a little wider. "Would you tell me please if 'Constitution' is really your name or is it what you are, for you seem more like a cat to me."

     "Well, I have many names and it depends on how people see me.  I am glad that you see me as a kindly, but strong cat. Many don't.  They see just the opposite: a mean but weak creature, but they're fooling themselves; I still have teeth and claws to fight.  But if you want to know more about the real me I am from the family of creatures called Treasure Cats which were once so abundant in these parts, but now they seem very rare indeed; but you can't keep us cats down for long, for we are very cunning and prolific and always make a comeback as long as we are really wanted and loved."

    "Oh, you are so nice and kind. I am sure I can love you very much. But what about your current Master, Uncle Sam?"

    "Oh, he used to love and cherish me with much love, but of late he is a little distracted...but you know that already."

    "Yes, I see.  Well, why do you stay on that tree? It seems very precarious up there."

    "Yes, it is and it is always a little precarious up here, even in the best of times, but lately a little more.  The tree's name is Liberty (and at that time Alix thought he heard a long low 'hello' from the tree) and it and I have what is called a symbiotic relationship."

    "Oh, I heard that one in a Star Wars movie: you and it depend on each other for your lives."

    "Yes, I keep Liberty healthy and going by pruning and protecting it; and its shade and nourishment--its soul or spirit if you will--are needed to keep me strong."

    "Oh that sounds so very nice.  You must be such good friends."

    "We certainly are."

    "Now, Constitution, can you tell which way I ought to walk from here?"

     "Well, you should walk freely."

     "Oh I didn't mean the way I ought to walk but THE WAY I ought to walk...oh, you know what I mean."

    "It is not so important to know what you mean, but rather it is more important to know what I mean. And my meaning and message has to do with HOW you walk and not where you walk to, for that is up to you, for I am here to make sure all walkways are free and clear."

    "Oh, I see what you mean.  I think I am invited to see the White somebody or other, but it all seems so hazy to me.  But I don't want to go to any Bad people."

    "You are free to go to any type of people you want, Good or Bad."

    "But I don't want to go among Bad people."

    "So don't."

    "But you allow all roads to be open, even the roads to Bad people, even to people who want to throw their children away or allow them to wallow in the slimy mud in the dark forest."

    "That does seem such a shame, but I can only do so much, only what I was made for.  I think the problem is that some of Uncle Sam's children have conspired to get rid of some of my brother and sister Treasure Cats.  They would have kept the bad people in check to a certain extent. And as I am very loyal to my family, I will certainly protect them if they do come back."

    "Oh, that is so very nice of you."

    "Do you play Crook-ed with the King today?"

    "Oh, thanks Treasure Cat; that reminds me that the White Rabbit has indeed invited me to see the King, but I do believe he said nothing about my playing Crook-ed and if he did I rather not play that game for it seems a bit nasty, don't you think, for I am only evaluating it by its name. Is it a good game or not?"

     "Well, I am not sure, for most of the time they play it in some dark, recessed woods.   But if they do anything to fetter and constrain Liberty then I will be on them in a minute."

    "Good.  Well, in the meantime, do you have any friends around here who can tell me about the Crook-ed game and the White King and other things."

    "I have some friends whose jobs, at least on paper, are to keep Liberty alive and they are what you call members of the press.  There are a few good ones still about, but of late many of them have been much changed after playing many games of Crook-ed. 

    "Nearby you can find three of them who, more or less, are honest, but for one reason or another have weakened their cause:  first there's Dr. Split Hare, who knows how to sift the Truth, but whose many distinctions and qualifications make the truth he speaks so hard to understand; second there's Mr. Loremouse--you met him before--who knows all the historical Truth, but is too timid or too pedantic to connect the dots in the proper way; and finally there's the Mad Chatter who tells the Truth, but mixes in so many other fables that one can not tell truth from fancy: he in fact believes wholeheartedly, without a shadow of any doubt,  in ALL the para-normal beings and events he constantly talks about and this in the end weakens his message. (This is in contrast to some late-night  radio talk show hosts, like your friend Gorge,  who have better credibility because they don't believe in each and every tale, but rather have an open heart and mind that believes in much of what they hear--perhaps sometimes reading between the lines--but who, at times, are touched with some reasonable and rational doubt.)  

    "All in all, I am rather doubtful as to the overall success by these three reporters to spread the truth and rather suspect that they are used--possibly without their own full knowledge and consent--by the Crook-ed and the Cooks to inundate the public with so much knowledge that either one goes astray with red herrings or is mired in a bog of contradictory and confusing facts."

      "So what's the use of talking with them?"

    "Well, if you read between the lines you can get something from them."

    "There is nothing but blankness between lines."

    "You must see with more than your eyes."

    "How can I see with anything other than my eyes?"

    "You will see, you will see."

    "But I don't." and this left Alix a little confused, so he decided to change the subject a little, "So how shall I find them?"

    "Just travel in any direction and you are sure to find them.  They should just be getting ready to start 'The Mad Talk Show' any time now."

     "Thank you."

     "All right," said the Constitution; and to Alix's surprise it started to vanish slowly bit by bit, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone.

    "Oh my," thought Alix, "I think the Constitution's new name should be 'The Disappearing Treasure Cat,' for it does seem to be disappearing bit by bit these days. The Liberty Tree still seems to be standing, but I don't know for how long, for I've often seen a Constitution without Liberty, but Liberty without a Constitution! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in all my life!"

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