CHAPTER 14

THE KING'S MEN SENDS

IN A LITTLE BILL

   After some time, Boris awoke and felt very refreshed. After rubbing his eyes, he looked all around for his little feathery rescuer, but he was nowhere to be found, and in a little while he started to think that maybe he dreamt the whole creature into existence, but he thought not, for then how did he escape from that infernal Chess Club: somebody must have brought him here and he thanked his lucky stars, or at least his lucky feathers.

   And indeed his luck had started to change when who did he see than none other then Constitution, the Treasure Cat.  Surely he must know the whereabouts his Father, Catlan; if not, it was, at least, good to see an old friend again.

   He called out to his old friend, but the Cat took little notice of him. At first, Boris thought this was because of the darkness of these woods, but after a little while Boris noticed that the Cat was looking anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something, and he heard it muttering to itself, "The Volcano! The Volcano! Oh my dear paws! Oh, my fur and whiskers. It will surely blow me to kingdom come, as sure as felines are felines! I need my ferocious paws. Now where can I have dropped them."

   Now this was strange to Boris on two accounts: first, he thought it odd that the Treasure Cat, a most formidable creature, could be the least scared of something like a small volcano (Boris thought that news did indeed travel fast in these parts, especially something that had the apparent potential of doing one harm;) and second, it was indeed strange that the Treasure Cat had lost his wonderful white gloves: but this was not the half of it, for the paws of the Cat looked more like the appendages of a small furry rabbit than of a ferocious cat, but Boris thought he might have been mistaken, for it was dark here and his sight, and brain, must still be reeling from that Chess Club gas.

   Very soon the Cat noticed Boris as it was hunting about, but instead of greeting him as a friend, he treated him as a servant. The Cat called out to Boris in an angry tone, "Why, Bobby Jack, what are you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me my pair of cat gloves and my spectacles! Quick, now!" And Boris was so startled that he ran off at once in the direction it pointed to, without trying to explain the mistake that it had made.

   Soon Boris came to a marvelous white-bricked house--so splendid that Boris figured that the owner must have had the best masons working on it for years; on its door was a bright brass plate with the name "CONSTITUTION" engraved on it, rather ostentatiously, Boris thought.

   He went in without knocking, and hurried upstairs, in great fear lest he should meet the real Bobby Jack, and be turned out of the house before he had found the gloves and the spectacles, for Boris thought that doing the Cat a favour may induce it to act more favourably towards him, though Boris wondered what had made the Constitution so irritable these days.

   "How queer it seems," Boris said to himself, "to be servant to the Constitution, rather than it being servant to me.  I suppose the Bill of Rights will be asking for its own rights next. And he began fancying the sort of thing that would happen: " 'Boris, dear! Come here directly, and get ready to go outside and play!' 'Coming in a minute, mother! But I've got to get the Bill of Rights its slippers and pipe first, and then I must be getting ready its supper. It's a most demanding little Bill."

   As Boris was ruminating on these fanciful thoughts, he reached a small room and  noticed a well stocked library there, and forgetting his previous errand, he started to peruse the titles of the books therein.  Soon, he found a book called The Stealing of Eggs by the Snakes and thought this something worthwhile to peruse and that information gathered from it might perhaps be of some aid to Mrs. Pigeon; but then the eyes of Boris were attracted to another book on the top shelf that was entitled, The Secret Garden Language: a Manual on Translating Squirmlish Into the Common Usage and thought that this book might be of some help in translating parts of the book he found in the Chess Club, and which fortunately was still in one of his pockets.  However, this book was too high to reach, so he took out his vials again, and after some painful experimentation, he started to grow again and soon reached the height of the book.  However he was now so big that he was virtually stuffed into the little room and couldn't move any of his body parts in any way to get to the book he was reaching for. 

  Soon Boris started to despair that he could accomplish anything: that is, get to the book or do any favour for the Cat. He thought that the simple act of finding Catlan should have been something that was easy enough  to accomplish, but it seemed the more he tried to find Him in his own way, the more extra chores came between him and that wonderful Cat. "Oh woe," thought Boris, "perhaps I should've taken the advice of Mrs. Pigeon after all: the only thing I got from trying to do it all my way, is being totally stuck and useless."

   Then Boris reached about and was able to stick his hand out the door and all the way to the room across the hall.  Reaching about in this room, he eventually found the Cat's spectacles and gloves, but found it very strange that the gloves had the Cat's sharp claws attached to its finger tips.  However, Boris thought he might have been mistaken, for he was, after all, feeling them, and couldn't get his eyes directly on them. Well, now that he had gotten the gloves, Boris wondered where the Cat had gone to.

   Just as he thought that, Boris heard the Cat's voice just outside the house saying, "Bobby Jack! Bobby Jack! Fetch me my spectacles and gloves this instant."

   Boris wondered where exactly was the Cat, until he fancied he heard the Cat just under the window in the room where was his hand.  So extending this hand, he dropped the spectacles and gloves in the direction of where he supposed the Cat to be. This was good, thought Boris, for now he had done the Cat the favour of retrieving his property, but in an instance, he heard a crash of broken glass--the spectacles Boris thought--and then a little shriek, from which Boris concluded that the fall had broken the spectacles of the Cat.

   Boris was so horrified that he had broken the Cat's glasses, that he panicked and this caused him to flay his hands all about to search out the Cat, but by doing this his large arm had now bowled over his dear friend.

   Next came an angry voice--the Cat's--"Code Red! Code Red. Oh, you secret service men! Where are you when I need you. That horrible Volcano has somehow found his way to my house and is now terrifying me, of all people. Code Red! Code Red! Oh, here you are, finally. Now get that Volcano."

    Then Boris heard another voice respond, the chief of the secret agents, Boris thought.  It said, "Oh, my! Yur honor, it's an arm!"

   "An arm, you fool! Whoever saw one that size?  It is surely a tributary or vein of the Volcano coming to spout some vile lava at us."

    "Perhaps, yer honor; but it's an arm, for all that."

    "Well, whatever it is, it has no business here, at any rate. And more importantly, it has no Identity Card at all about its, uh, person.  Go and take it away!"

   "Sure, I don't like it your honor, at all, at all."

   "Do as I tell you, you peacenik!"

   "I'm no peacenik, yer honor, but only a very simple and sensible man..."

   "Oh never mind, we must find a way to placate it..."

   Then Boris heard the sound of another voice, very smooth and deep, and soon the owner of this new voice and the Cat were whispering between themselves, but Boris, who also had big ears now, could hear every word between the Cat and the new arrival, which the Cat called Chi Haihay (pronouced chee-hi-eh.)

   In a surreptitious tone, Chi said to the Cat, "We've been tracking this so called intruder-- codenamed The Volcano--ever since it penetrated our fair land, your honor, and it has been up to no good ever since it landed. First, it escaped from our most honourable welcoming committee and then it was spotted communicating with the worst sort of creature, with Mrs. Wilma Pigeon, no worse, the  very center of the present storm of Catlanite trouble. Although The Volcano feigned enmity with Mrs. Pigeon, ever since their clandestine rendezvous, the Volcano has been terrorizing the very highest Utmostnesses of our land, scaring the White King, the Queen and all their men. And now it has come here to do harm to you, your honor."

   "Whatever shall we do?" cried the terror-filled Cat.

   "This is our plan at the Agency. First, we must deal with these Catlanites. To that effect, we will propose a little Bill to the Tweedles in the House of Congregation who will call an emergency session of the House to quickly pass this litte Bill."

   "Whatever is in this Little Bill."

   "It promises to slow down the rate of egg gathering."

   "Oh, we can't do that."

   "Oh, don't worry, your honor, we will do nothing  of the sort. We will only pretend to try and do something  about the so-called egg problem. It is nothing but mere words, words, words. But it may placate the Catlanites for some time and slow down their current insurgency. In addition, it will distract them to such an extent that it will prevent them from aiding this Volcano fellow, that is, if he is able to escape from us here."

    "Surely, you have a foolproof plan to quickly and successfully capture this Volcano."

    "Yes, it is very simple: burn the house down and this pesky pest with it."

   "Oh, no! Not my beautiful house. You can't burn down my beautiful house!"

   "It must be done, your honor, in order to rid us of this terrible plague."

   "Can't we just throw some stones at the house. We might get the Volcano at the same time."

   "That won't work, your honor."

   "I know! I have a catapult here. We can throw some biggish stones at the House and the Volcano at the same time. Oh, it will do some damage to my pretty house, but  surely, it will scare that vicious beast off my property. And then you can do what you will to that mean mangling monster."

   "Yes, your honor. It shall be done."

   Boris was quite flabbergasted.  It was not only that they wanted to hurt, or even kill, him with stone and fire; but he was most perturbed by the fact that his own very good friend was at such odds with him.  Boris was thinking that the Treasure Cat was most not himself at the moment: he was, in fact, it seemed, a most different personality.

   As Boris heard the catapult being drawn toward the House, he started to become quite alarmed, for now he believed that these agents were much in earnest in carrying out their schemes. "Oh whatever shall I do?" thought a perplexed Boris.

   As he was thinking these dire thoughts, a pigeon landed on the sil of the window of his room.  It was none other than Mr. Walter Pigeon.

   "Oh good, Mr. Walter, you are here to save me. Just reach into my pockets with your beak and pull out the red vial--or is it the blue one--and pour it down my mouth; then I can become small enough to escape from this infernal business."

   "I'd be glad to do it, sir. I am your willing and able servant. But, at the moment I can't reach into your pockets for the wall of the house is in the way. But just wait a moment and this should not present a problem for much longer."

    "Whatever are you thinking, Mr. Walter?"

    "It is simple, sir. When they start throwing stones at the house, they will no doubt knock down some of this wall. At that point, I can reach in and do my duty."

   "Oh my! I get the picture."

   "Yes, sir. All we have to do is wait. In the meantime, we can have a nice chat."

    "A nice chat! About what?"

   "Anything you like. Well, what's on yer mind, sir."

   "Well, I have been thinking," said a rather nervous Boris, who now heard the springs of the catapult being drawn taut, "that since I'm already involved in this egg business, I may as well go whole hog, all the way, as it were. Catlan would surely appreciate me doing it. And, perhaps, if I do this for him, then he will help me in return; that is, aid my parents and dear sister."

   "I am most grateful to you, sir, for being willing to help us, but are you not thinkin' that you mighten be helpin' us simply 'cause it's the right thing to be doing and not 'cause you will be wanting to be getting all rewarded like, even if it is to be helping your poor ma, and pa, and little sis," said Walter as the first stone hit the ground nearby and shook the house to its foundations.

   "Yes, I guess so. Why, yes! What am I thinking. I must simply do the right thing and not think of any reward. I must leave my dear loved ones' fate in Catlan's hands. Yes, now I must battle the serpents and help save the eggs."

   Walter added, "Yes, but remember you can do it only with His help," but Boris didn't hear that last remark for the agents had finally found their mark and the stones were now raining down on their side of the house. Soon there was a big gash in the room where Boris lay and Walter quickly did his duty as he said he would.

   Soon Boris was down to normal size--as least normal for this world--and was soon climbing down what was left of the side of the once magnificant white bricked house.

   Once outside, he turned around to thank Walter, but, like before, his benefactor had vanished into thin air.

   The agents, expecting to see only a large-sized beast coming out of the house, continued to pummel the house and ignored the small creature climbing down thinking he was only another of the Cat's men.  In all the confusion, Boris quickly ran away until he was hidden in the dark wood again.

   A wind had suddenly picked up and blew some books his way: Boris noticed that they were the same books that were previously in the library of the white house. One of the books was the book on Stealing Eggs and Boris thought how fortuitous this was: he could now glean its secrets. However, the wind blew it right into the path of a puppy dog.

   Normally this wouldn't have presented a problem to Boris, but now that he was the size of a small cat or a rabbit, the  puppy towered over him and bounded and jumped this way and that--no doubt just playing from his own dog-eyed perspective--but from Boris's point of view, this prevented him from getting at the book.  Soon the puppy playfully picked up the book and ran away with it until no sign of its hide or hairs could be seen any longer.

   "Oh woe," thought  Boris, "I could have learned the secrets of Egg Stealing when I first espied the book on its comfy shelve, but because of my perfidious pride in trying to get at the Book of Squirmy Translations, I am now too small now to even battle a small puppy for its secrets.

   "Oh no!  Now that my mind has cleared up a bit, I can now identify Lily and the two Bishops: they were none other than my little sis, and my poor ma and pa!  And the chess players were none other than the vicious snakes. 

    "Oy vay! If I simply offered to help the Pigeons battle the serpents, I could have probably, by now, also rescued my sis and parents: some irony that Catlan has.

    "Well, I now must again find that Chess Club, otherwise known as the Serpent's Den to help my parents; but how will I ever find it again in this ever changeable land...

    "Oy vay! I am doing it again: trying to have my own way, rather than do Catlan's will--which the Pigeons, I'm sure, know better than me; and that will is, in fact, to battle the serpents anywhere I find them and to save eggs anyway I can.

    "In addition, I can, at least say a prayer: "Oh, Catlan, I have just one word to say to you: HELP!"